Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The Care and Feeding of Your Geek
Geeks tend to be very shy, reserved creatures and aren't often seen in the wild, preferring to remain sheltered where they won't be noticed or harrassed. If you do happen to catch a geek be sure to treat it gently and with kindness. When a geek is frightened or forced into a corner, it will often bite or scratch and take the first opportunity to flee and find the closest WiFi network. So take precautions when approaching any trapped or cornered geek to ensure that neither you nor it will come to any harm.
Geeks are fairly low-maintenance pets, and you can easily add one to your family without spending a fortune - and often, you almost forget they're around if they're happy and all their needs are being met. That said, geeks can be very useful additions to your household as once they're settled they can rebuild your computer, fix your toaster oven, and teach you the cheats and tricks for your favorite video game. They're friendly for the most part and often adorable - like a small fuzzy creature you just want to squeeze and squeeze until its head pops off. Note: don't do this.
Bringing your geek home
Once you’ve trapped a geek and you're absolutely sure you want to try to domesticate it rather than releasing it back into the wild, be very careful to approach your geek from the front. Geeks can be skittish, and don't like people creeping up behind them in case they're in the midst of an embarrassing message-board flame war or viewing online porn.
You can tempt your geek by offering it Monty Python DVDs, Douglas Adams books or sticks of RAM. Once you have its attention, coo soothingly to it about science fiction, the latest technology, or whether Kirk was superior to Picard.
Once it’s made eye contact with you, your best bet is to swoop in quickly, place a cotton bag over its head so it will think it's asleep (it helps to play the Star Wars theme so it will be distracted by thoughts of Princess Leia, which will keep any male geek docile), and bundle it into your car.
Housing
Now that you’ve brought your geek home, what do you do with it? Well, a geek’s housing needs are pretty simple. Make sure that you have an ergonomic desk set up as well as a comfortable gaming chair in front of the game console (you do have one, don’t you? If not, get one! Go on - now!) They will need sleeping quarters but will rarely use them, preferring to stay up nights playing WoW.
Food / Water
An endless supply of snack foods and easy-to-make instant meals is always a good start. Caffeinated drinks are a favorite, so be sure you have plenty on hand.
Lighting
Geeks tend to prefer artificial light to natural daylight, so don’t force your geek to venture out into the sun if it’s not comfortable doing so. Be sure to provide plenty of halogen or fluorescent lighting around your geek’s work and gaming areas as the buzzing fluorescents can often be soothing for your geek.
Handling
Geeks can be a little skittish when it comes to physical contact, so be sure that it’s comfortable with you before you try handling it. Once you’ve made a bond with your geek, you should be able to handle it whenever you like, but keep in mind that if your geek is preoccupied with an MMORPG, it may snarl or bare its teeth at you.
Enjoy!
Geeks are very enjoyable low-maintenance pets once you get one to trust you. Just keep in mind that you will keep your geek much happier, and therefore more friendly towards you, if all its needs are being met. Enjoy the new geeky addition to your family!
Geeks tend to be very shy, reserved creatures and aren't often seen in the wild, preferring to remain sheltered where they won't be noticed or harrassed. If you do happen to catch a geek be sure to treat it gently and with kindness. When a geek is frightened or forced into a corner, it will often bite or scratch and take the first opportunity to flee and find the closest WiFi network. So take precautions when approaching any trapped or cornered geek to ensure that neither you nor it will come to any harm.
Geeks are fairly low-maintenance pets, and you can easily add one to your family without spending a fortune - and often, you almost forget they're around if they're happy and all their needs are being met. That said, geeks can be very useful additions to your household as once they're settled they can rebuild your computer, fix your toaster oven, and teach you the cheats and tricks for your favorite video game. They're friendly for the most part and often adorable - like a small fuzzy creature you just want to squeeze and squeeze until its head pops off. Note: don't do this.
Bringing your geek home
Once you’ve trapped a geek and you're absolutely sure you want to try to domesticate it rather than releasing it back into the wild, be very careful to approach your geek from the front. Geeks can be skittish, and don't like people creeping up behind them in case they're in the midst of an embarrassing message-board flame war or viewing online porn.
You can tempt your geek by offering it Monty Python DVDs, Douglas Adams books or sticks of RAM. Once you have its attention, coo soothingly to it about science fiction, the latest technology, or whether Kirk was superior to Picard.
Once it’s made eye contact with you, your best bet is to swoop in quickly, place a cotton bag over its head so it will think it's asleep (it helps to play the Star Wars theme so it will be distracted by thoughts of Princess Leia, which will keep any male geek docile), and bundle it into your car.
Housing
Now that you’ve brought your geek home, what do you do with it? Well, a geek’s housing needs are pretty simple. Make sure that you have an ergonomic desk set up as well as a comfortable gaming chair in front of the game console (you do have one, don’t you? If not, get one! Go on - now!) They will need sleeping quarters but will rarely use them, preferring to stay up nights playing WoW.
Food / Water
An endless supply of snack foods and easy-to-make instant meals is always a good start. Caffeinated drinks are a favorite, so be sure you have plenty on hand.
Lighting
Geeks tend to prefer artificial light to natural daylight, so don’t force your geek to venture out into the sun if it’s not comfortable doing so. Be sure to provide plenty of halogen or fluorescent lighting around your geek’s work and gaming areas as the buzzing fluorescents can often be soothing for your geek.
Handling
Geeks can be a little skittish when it comes to physical contact, so be sure that it’s comfortable with you before you try handling it. Once you’ve made a bond with your geek, you should be able to handle it whenever you like, but keep in mind that if your geek is preoccupied with an MMORPG, it may snarl or bare its teeth at you.
Enjoy!
Geeks are very enjoyable low-maintenance pets once you get one to trust you. Just keep in mind that you will keep your geek much happier, and therefore more friendly towards you, if all its needs are being met. Enjoy the new geeky addition to your family!
Friday, June 06, 2008
I have no idea...
...why I felt the urge to make this, but I blame it on sleep deprivation. Can you tell who it's supposed to be?
...why I felt the urge to make this, but I blame it on sleep deprivation. Can you tell who it's supposed to be?
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Parenthood looms
Just a quick note to say that I've updated our adoption blog. We're leaving on April 17th and will return on May 1st. And when we come back, we'll be parents! Anyway, check it out [pops].
I'm too terrified (and excited) to have much else to say, so I'll just leave you with a couple of my favorites:
Just a quick note to say that I've updated our adoption blog. We're leaving on April 17th and will return on May 1st. And when we come back, we'll be parents! Anyway, check it out [pops].
I'm too terrified (and excited) to have much else to say, so I'll just leave you with a couple of my favorites:
Monday, March 24, 2008
New designer dog breeds:
Lakeland Terrier
Lhasa Apso
+ Pointer
La-sa Pointer
Miniature Pinscher
Cardigan Welsh Corgi
+ Kerry Blue Terrier
Miniature Blue Cardigan
Great Dane
+ Scottish Terrier
Great Scott
Whippet
Golden Retriever
+ Bloodhound
Whippet Good
Lakeland Terrier
Lhasa Apso
+ Pointer
La-sa Pointer
Miniature Pinscher
Cardigan Welsh Corgi
+ Kerry Blue Terrier
Miniature Blue Cardigan
Great Dane
+ Scottish Terrier
Great Scott
Whippet
Golden Retriever
+ Bloodhound
Whippet Good
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Pet peeves
Meat products/steakhouses using cheerful animals in their advertising. Like that cow really wants you to eat her, and she won't be happy until her ass has been carved up, cooked and slapped on your plate.
Sideways rain. Gravity is law, damn it.
Pretentious people who use New Jersey instead of Satan's Armpit.
Infomercials that expect me to believe that the vaguely attractive moron in a labcoat is actually a doctor.
Toilet paper that feels like waxed paper. It's supposed to be absorbent. Jebus.
People who are "experts" in useless subjects like yodeling, poltergeists, or the French.
Meat products/steakhouses using cheerful animals in their advertising. Like that cow really wants you to eat her, and she won't be happy until her ass has been carved up, cooked and slapped on your plate.
Sideways rain. Gravity is law, damn it.
Pretentious people who use New Jersey instead of Satan's Armpit.
Infomercials that expect me to believe that the vaguely attractive moron in a labcoat is actually a doctor.
Toilet paper that feels like waxed paper. It's supposed to be absorbent. Jebus.
People who are "experts" in useless subjects like yodeling, poltergeists, or the French.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Not my best efforts, but...
Polar weasel:
Meer cat:
And if anyone's paying attention, I've updated our adoption blog [pops].
Meer cat:
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Jack Kevorkian visits the elderly
It was a dark and stormy afternoon, as Jack swung his 1968 VW Microbus into the handicapped spot of the Shady Pines parking lot. It was Saturday, and visiting hours were in full swing.
He stopped at reception and signed in as Dr. Joseph Gruber, expert in senility, dementia and Alzheimer's. The receptionist told him to have a seat and that the facility director would be with him shortly.
Jack clipped the visitors pass to his suit coat and, ignoring the receptionist's invitation to sit in the lobby, strolled down the hallway away from the common areas, looking for bedrooms still occupied by lonely residents with no family to visit them. He poked his head around the doorframe of room #314 and simpered, "Yoo-hoo! Anyone home?"
After a moment, a frail voice responded, "Just a minute." This was followed by the sound of a toilet flushing and a labored climb back into bed.
Jack smiled to himself. She hadn't even washed her hands. She was clearly pretty far gone, and deserved to be 'set free'.
Moving quickly and quietly from room to room, Jack finally found enough oldsters to fill the seats in his Microbus. He led (or wheeled) them slowly out the back door and around to the van, strapped them all in and sped out of the car park while the Shady Pines staff were still too occupied with visiting families to notice that they were missing.
Some of the seniors were starting to get suspicious by this point, seeing all the other family-less patients in the van. They started to question Jack, who was startled into giving them his real name. Hearing this, the seniors were galvanized into action and the one closest the door reached for the handles, not realizing that they were speeding down the freeway at 65mph. Gasping, he slid the door shut again and fidgeted restlessly with his seatbelt, not knowing what he should do. Others sat and drooled or whined quietly to themselves.
Finally, Jack pulled off the freeway and into a large parking lot which was mostly full. He pulled up to the handicapped spot at the front and stopped the engine. "It's time," he called back to his passengers. "Don't worry about bringing your pocketbooks with you. You won't need them where you're going."
Jack led them in a straggling line up to the large gates and paid the admission. "What would you like to do first? Merry-go-round? Ferris wheel? Maybe some cotton candy?"
The oldsters let out a wheezy cheer and rushed as fast as their failing legs (or wheelchairs) would allow them towards the closest public restroom.
It was a dark and stormy afternoon, as Jack swung his 1968 VW Microbus into the handicapped spot of the Shady Pines parking lot. It was Saturday, and visiting hours were in full swing.
He stopped at reception and signed in as Dr. Joseph Gruber, expert in senility, dementia and Alzheimer's. The receptionist told him to have a seat and that the facility director would be with him shortly.
Jack clipped the visitors pass to his suit coat and, ignoring the receptionist's invitation to sit in the lobby, strolled down the hallway away from the common areas, looking for bedrooms still occupied by lonely residents with no family to visit them. He poked his head around the doorframe of room #314 and simpered, "Yoo-hoo! Anyone home?"
After a moment, a frail voice responded, "Just a minute." This was followed by the sound of a toilet flushing and a labored climb back into bed.
Jack smiled to himself. She hadn't even washed her hands. She was clearly pretty far gone, and deserved to be 'set free'.
Moving quickly and quietly from room to room, Jack finally found enough oldsters to fill the seats in his Microbus. He led (or wheeled) them slowly out the back door and around to the van, strapped them all in and sped out of the car park while the Shady Pines staff were still too occupied with visiting families to notice that they were missing.
Some of the seniors were starting to get suspicious by this point, seeing all the other family-less patients in the van. They started to question Jack, who was startled into giving them his real name. Hearing this, the seniors were galvanized into action and the one closest the door reached for the handles, not realizing that they were speeding down the freeway at 65mph. Gasping, he slid the door shut again and fidgeted restlessly with his seatbelt, not knowing what he should do. Others sat and drooled or whined quietly to themselves.
Finally, Jack pulled off the freeway and into a large parking lot which was mostly full. He pulled up to the handicapped spot at the front and stopped the engine. "It's time," he called back to his passengers. "Don't worry about bringing your pocketbooks with you. You won't need them where you're going."
Jack led them in a straggling line up to the large gates and paid the admission. "What would you like to do first? Merry-go-round? Ferris wheel? Maybe some cotton candy?"
The oldsters let out a wheezy cheer and rushed as fast as their failing legs (or wheelchairs) would allow them towards the closest public restroom.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Google applications for real life
1) Blocking annoying coworkers who try to rope you into long, drawn-out conversations about their kids, their relationship troubles, or that time they drank an entire keg in college.
2) Locating your lost keys.
Click for legible version [pops]
3) Blocking door-to-door solicitors trying to sell you magazine subscriptions, Girl Scout cookies, or god.
4) Getting stuff down from a high shelf.
5) Some sort of fridge alarm that warns you that what you're about to eat has expired and is likely to cause an explosive reaction in your pants.
What would you like Google to build an application for?
1) Blocking annoying coworkers who try to rope you into long, drawn-out conversations about their kids, their relationship troubles, or that time they drank an entire keg in college.
2) Locating your lost keys.
Click for legible version [pops]
3) Blocking door-to-door solicitors trying to sell you magazine subscriptions, Girl Scout cookies, or god.
4) Getting stuff down from a high shelf.
5) Some sort of fridge alarm that warns you that what you're about to eat has expired and is likely to cause an explosive reaction in your pants.
What would you like Google to build an application for?
Friday, February 29, 2008
Random lists that no one cares about
8 Things I'm Passionate About
- Music
- Animals
- Rob
- Computers
- The kidlet
- Cheese
- Coffee
- Pain relief
8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
- Be a great mum
- Move to another country (ok, a different one)
- Retire early
- Rebuild family relationships
- Write a book
- Adopt a second child
- Celebrate my 50th anniversary
- Play in another band
8 Things I Say Often
- Shit shit shit (has to be said 3 times)
- Pfft
- Good dog!
- Bad dog!
- I hate my job
- Get off the fuckin' road, if you can't drive
- Fuck
- Oaf (I'm trying to bring it back into popularity - and failing)
8 Books I've Read Recently
- Blaze by Stephen King
- Toddler Adoption: A Weaver's Craft
- Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett
- What to Expect, The Toddler Years
- Soul Music by Terry Pratchett
- Night Watch by Terry Pratchett
- The Science of Discworld
- Feet of Clay by Terry Pratchett
8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over
- While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles
- Let it Grow - Eric Clapton
- Optimistic Thought - Blues Traveler
- Something I Can Never Have - Nine Inch Nails
- For You Blue - The Beatles
- World in My Eyes - Depeche Mode
- Isolation - John Lennon
- Tangled Up in Blue - Bob Dylan
8 Things I'm Passionate About
- Music
- Animals
- Rob
- Computers
- The kidlet
- Cheese
- Coffee
- Pain relief
8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
- Be a great mum
- Move to another country (ok, a different one)
- Retire early
- Rebuild family relationships
- Write a book
- Adopt a second child
- Celebrate my 50th anniversary
- Play in another band
8 Things I Say Often
- Shit shit shit (has to be said 3 times)
- Pfft
- Good dog!
- Bad dog!
- I hate my job
- Get off the fuckin' road, if you can't drive
- Fuck
- Oaf (I'm trying to bring it back into popularity - and failing)
8 Books I've Read Recently
- Blaze by Stephen King
- Toddler Adoption: A Weaver's Craft
- Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett
- What to Expect, The Toddler Years
- Soul Music by Terry Pratchett
- Night Watch by Terry Pratchett
- The Science of Discworld
- Feet of Clay by Terry Pratchett
8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over
- While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles
- Let it Grow - Eric Clapton
- Optimistic Thought - Blues Traveler
- Something I Can Never Have - Nine Inch Nails
- For You Blue - The Beatles
- World in My Eyes - Depeche Mode
- Isolation - John Lennon
- Tangled Up in Blue - Bob Dylan
Friday, February 15, 2008
Friday of Lists
6 books that didn't make it into print
1) Cats, Cats, Everywhere! a children's book by Erwin Schrodinger
2) Safely Mixing Medications by Heath Ledger (too soon?)
3) Anna Nicole Smith's Steps to Sobriety
4) Making Your Marriage Last by Pamela Anderson
5) Curing Cancer Through Meditation by Tom Cruise (ghost-written by Xenu)
6) Quantum Mechanics Made Simple by George W. Bush
Useful curses for the new millennium
1) May your internet connection always be down
2) May you appear on a "reality" show
3) May you drop your expensive new cell phone into a Port-o-Potty
4) May your job be outsourced to "Bob" in India
5) A pox on your house (you can't argue with the classics)
6 books that didn't make it into print
1) Cats, Cats, Everywhere! a children's book by Erwin Schrodinger
2) Safely Mixing Medications by Heath Ledger (too soon?)
3) Anna Nicole Smith's Steps to Sobriety
4) Making Your Marriage Last by Pamela Anderson
5) Curing Cancer Through Meditation by Tom Cruise (ghost-written by Xenu)
6) Quantum Mechanics Made Simple by George W. Bush
Useful curses for the new millennium
1) May your internet connection always be down
2) May you appear on a "reality" show
3) May you drop your expensive new cell phone into a Port-o-Potty
4) May your job be outsourced to "Bob" in India
5) A pox on your house (you can't argue with the classics)
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Pre-Valentine's Day Haikus
roses can be red
violets are often blue
valentine's day blows
bogus holiday
just to sell cards and candy
you sent flowers, right?
Steak and BJ Day
the male alternative to
sentimental tripe
shot in the buttocks
by cupid's arrow of schmaltz
now you have herpes
roses can be red
violets are often blue
valentine's day blows
bogus holiday
just to sell cards and candy
you sent flowers, right?
Steak and BJ Day
the male alternative to
sentimental tripe
shot in the buttocks
by cupid's arrow of schmaltz
now you have herpes
