Sunday, October 28, 2007

Spoonerism:




Iguanarch

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Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Thank you, come again

My apologies for the lack of posts during the past week. I really do mean to post more often now that I've moved, but since Saturday I've been suffering from the dreaded lurg. We will return you to your regularly scheduled blogging as soon as possible.

.:0 comments | baked by pie at 1.54 PM | permalink:.



Thursday, October 18, 2007

Rejected Penthouse Forum Letter

Dear Penthouse Forum,

I've never written a letter like this, but after what happened to me this afternoon, I couldn't wait to pick up my pen and write it down to share it with your readers.

I was out doing my regular Sunday afternoon errands (taking the cat for a walk, picking up a few things from the supermarket, getting my prescription foot fungus cream from the pharmacy), when I saw the most beautiful woman getting out of a car in the bank parking lot.

Well, it wasn't my bank, but I just couldn't resist. I locked the cat in the trunk and went into the bank. There she was, a vision of sensual beauty, standing at the counter and filling in a deposit slip. She had shiny blonde hair cut in a very smart, professional style, black patent leather stiletto heels, and the sexiest business suit I'd ever seen. I sidled up next to her and began to fill out my own deposit slip.

After she got in line, I followed and stood behind her. Unfortunately, as she went up to the counter, the next teller became available, and I was forced to go to a window much further down the counter. I kept my eye on this unbelievably sexy woman, sure that the little flashes of thigh she displayed as she dangled her shoe off her toe were for my benefit.

I handed my deposit slip to the teller, completely oblivious that she was quite interested in me herself. I looked away from the dreamboat down the counter and noticed my teller looking around desperately, obviously unsure what to do to attract my attention. Well, let me tell you, she was even sexier than the woman I'd followed into the bank. Brunette, glasses, naughty low-cut red silk blouse. I winked at her, and leaned against the counter, and asked her what time she got off work.

She stuttered a little, no doubt aroused in anticipation of the passionate evening we could have together. The sexual tension between us was electric. She handed me the canvas bag full of banded twenties and fifties I'd requested on the back of the deposit slip, and her hand lingered on mine a little longer than necessary. The signs were clear. She wanted me as much as I wanted her. I gave her my card, and licked my lips at her lasciviously. Then I grinned and walked out.

When I heard a knock at the door later, I was sure it was her, but alas it was just the police. I expect to be out by tomorrow afternoon, and I just know she'll want to meet me for some hot, erotic lovemaking. I can't wait!

Lustfully,
Bertie

.:1 comment | baked by pie at 7.47 AM | permalink:.



Monday, October 15, 2007

Monday of Lists

Cars that didn't make it past the marketing department
1) Toyota Priapus
2) Ford Flatulent
3) Honda Collision
4) Dodge Affliction
5) Mazda Ignoramus
6) Subaru Repugnant
7) Hyundai Futile
8) Kia Autopsy
9) Mitsubishi Dogface
10) Buick Bastard

New gangs the cops are watching
1) Monocle Power
2) Sweethogs
3) Los Angeles Actor/Waiter Brotherhood
4) Oakland Lords of Love
5) Brotherhood of Computer Nerds
6) Granny's Disciples
7) Triple-A Low Riders
8) Southside Sewing Circle
9) Mexican Amigo Mafia
10) The Sha-Na-Na Fan Club

.:1 comment | baked by pie at 1.19 PM | permalink:.



Sunday, October 14, 2007

I like big butts, and I cannot lie

I think I've stumbled on a million-dollar diet idea. You know how people always suggest that you picture the audience naked if you get nervous when speaking in public? Well, I propose that people picture everyone around them au naturel at all times. In great detail. Every errant hair, every gravity-induced pocket of sagginess, every strange protuberance. One result would be that restaurant waitstaff would have to be incredibly attractive in order to retain any customer base, and they'd probably make a fortune in tips. At any restaurant that can't afford to hire attractive servers (fast food places, for example), a customer forced to imagine the staff in the buff will undoubtedly lose all desire to eat and decide to go for an impromptu jog instead.

If you're eating lunch at work, imagine the people in the cubicles around you sitting bare-assed at their desks, filling out their TPS report cover sheets, shedding chest hair, and leaving bum sweat on their chairs. Still hungry? Try to imagine a local politician waggling his wang at you while glad-handing the crowd after a speech, or your next door neighbour's bits swinging gently in the breeze while he's mowing the lawn. I can almost guarantee if you live in the US that you know someone whose naked body would cause you to lose your appetite.

The only problem with this concept as a diet plan is that there's no way to sell it. At least not until I find a way to actually control and/or read people's minds. And for god's sake, unless you want to become anorexic, do NOT picture Rosie O'Donnell or Carrot Top in the altogether.

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Friday, October 12, 2007

Phrases you don't want to hear from your therapist

1) "No, no. I think all the cocaine and purging are doing you a world of good. You've never looked thinner. Keep it up!"
2) "Keep talking, I'm listening. I just want to finish this crossword puzzle. Hmm what's a six-letter word for failure?"
3) "So do you think your relationship with your father has anything to do with why you're such a slut?"
4) "Well, you know what they say about facing your fears. You could overcome both your fear of heights and your fear of death by jumping off a bridge."
5) "You're going to pay for my new boat."
6) "How is it that you're not already medicated?"
7) "Now I understand why your mother didn't love you."

.:3 comments | baked by pie at 9.20 PM | permalink:.