Friday, December 28, 2007

New Years Resolutions for 2008

As usual, in the spirit of refusing to admit that I actually have faults or bad habits, I present to you a list of resolutions everyone else should make for 2008.

1) About my hair: it's not that interesting. No, you can't touch it. Yes, I dye it myself. No, I will not tell you what colours I use to get this oh-so-vibrant shade - I don't care if your niece does want this exact colour. I have heard that my hair matches my car approximately 2,458,833 times, so if I refuse to chuckle politely anymore it's because you're not funny or original. And yes, I do realize that by dyeing my hair this colour, I'm asking for this sort of crap. I still reserve the right to be annoyed by it.

2) Do not come up to my dogs in public and pet them, poke them, or offer them candy and try to lure them into your van without asking first. Yes, they are incredibly adorable. But what you don't realize is that the big one will piddle on your toes in excitement and completely ruin your expensive but ugly shoes, and the little one will likely rip out your throat if he can get a good purchase on there. And I will not be held responsible for your urine-stained Uggs, nor will I pay for your medical care after my 15lb dachshund rips off your nose and swallows it.

3) Everyone should just stay out of the fucking left lane. If you can't use it correctly, I'm revoking your privilege to use it at all. You under-the-speed-limit-driving bastards.

4) If you overflow into my space on a long flight because you're too obese to fit your sweaty, overlarge frame into one admittedly tiny coach seat and the gate agent didn't think you were quite huge enough to actually warrant two seats (of course, she's not the one that has to sit next to you for 9 hours), and then steal my armrest, breathe your pungently garlic breath all over me, and continually jab me in the side with your flabby elbow, please note that I will be envisioning your death in a variety of painful, fiery ways with every fiber of my being, in the hopes that you will spontaneously combust. As long as you stay on your side of the armrest so I don't go up in flames as well.

5) You people that talk on your cell phone in public restrooms: stop it.

6) Do not assume just because we are both waiting in line for the same thing that I want to hear about your nasal polyps, marriage woes, or that time something funny happened while you were waiting in another line somewhere else. We have been temporarily thrown together by circumstances in that we're both fidgeting restlessly while some schmuck at the front of the queue tries to hit on the cashier because he mistakenly believes she likes him since she smiled at him and asked him how his day was, without realizing that she works for tips so she has to be nice, and that he smells like garbage and looks like his parents may have been closely related by blood. So please, leave me alone to fidget restlessly in peace.


I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas/holiday of your choice. Have a fantastic 2008!

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 10.18 AM | permalink:.



Monday, December 17, 2007

Your Horoscope for January, 2008

Aries: The ram, known for its hard-headedness and the insane habit of bashing other rams in the head when fighting for the affections of nearby females. The Aries is often known for settling arguments by pulling one of his opponent's vital organs out through the sinus cavity. This month, watch out for club bouncers holding grudges, and little old ladies concealing stun-guns under their skirts.

Taurus: Do you smell that? It's the stench of manure, which the bull of the zodiac puts out in copious quantities. Stop it.

Gemini: Multiple personalities can be fun at times, but in all honesty, you're really starting to annoy your fellow cube-dwellers at work with the constant bickering back and forth between you and your personality that wants to be a woman. Either have the sex change or don't, but stop arguing about it all the time.

Cancer: The rocket pack you ordered from Acme will finally arrive this month. Please note that this will not help you catch that damned bird. And watch out for falling rocks, anvils, and abrupt cliff edges.

Leo: Get a hair cut, hippie.

Virgo: Someday you will get your comeuppance for holding up the line at the post office by discussing your hemorrhoids in gruesome detail with the clerk and driving 15mph below the speed limit in the fast lane. But in the meantime, enjoy the seething hatred you inspire in your fellow humans.

Libra: So that Philosophy degree is doing you a lot of good there, Sparky? Bet you wish you'd listened to your mother now, huh? And yes, I would like fries with that, thanks.

Scorpio: This next month is going to be a difficult one for you. Your dog will be hit by a truck (although he'll survive, minus a few limbs), your girlfriend and your mistress will leave you (for each other), and your job will be outsourced to some guy named Ajatashatru who's willing to work for $0.35 an hour, barely speaks English, and tells customers his name is Bob. On the positive side, you'll have all you need to write a really killer country song.

Sagittarius: That threatening anonymous note you received about the noisy party you had last weekend was from apartment 4d. Just thought you might like to know.

Capricorn: Your girlfriend thinks you might secretly be gay. Prove your manliness this month by shagging as many other girls as possible, sending detailed close-up photographs of your wang to anonymous strangers on the internet, and punching her in the eye every time she gets mouthy. She'll soon change her tune.

Aquarius: Seek therapy. Seriously.

Pisces: Your boyfriend from high school will come back into your life this month. He will wine you and dine you, tell you that he never stopped thinking about you. When you've been sufficiently wooed, he will take you back to his place, shag you silly, and then disappear. Two months later, you'll find that you've tested positive for herpes. Don't say I didn't warn you.

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 10.12 AM | permalink:.



Wednesday, December 12, 2007

So now that we're getting close to adopting, I'm starting to get a wee bit terrified of motherhood. I mean, we get to skip the first two screaming, diaper-clad, stinky, barfing, teething years (although we also missed all the firsts like his first step and first word). Don't get me wrong, I realize that the next couple of years are likely to be pretty full of screaming, too - we'll be bringing him home just in time for the 'terrible twos' to set in. And actually, come to think of it, he hasn't been toilet trained yet so we still get the stinky, diaper-clad part.

And then, once you finally get the relief of moving out of Tantrum Country, you sail directly into the Sea of Questions. "Mummy, why is the sky blue?"
"Mummy, what are stars made out of?"
"Mummy, how come the dog scoots his butt on the floor like that?"
"Mummy, what're those magazines in daddy's nightstand?" (Just kidding, Rob)
"Mummy, is Oliver playing leap-frog with Nugget?"
"Mummy, how come my teacher drinks Maalox right from the bottle?"
"Daddy, why does mummy have Trent Reznor tied up in the basement?"

Okay, probably not that last one. If nothing else, we don't have a basement.

But don't worry, I don't plan to become one of those mothers that thinks everything little Timmy does is the height of adorableness. "Oh look, honey. Timmy smeared the contents of his diaper all over the wall. Isn't that just adorable?" I'm a realist when it comes to children, poop, and cuteness.



.:3 comments | baked by pie at 9.19 AM | permalink:.



Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Happy Birthday, Knut!

Remember little Knut [pops], the polar bear? He's celebrating his first birthday today [pops]. Now that he's all grown up at 240lbs, and filthy from his habit of rolling around in the dirt, he's not quite as cute as he was a year ago when he rose meteorically to fame.

But where else on earth is there a creature that loves dirt and croissants and can gain 238lbs in one year, that doesn't reside in a trailer park?

.:0 comments | baked by pie at 7.57 AM | permalink:.



Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Just wanted to mention that I updated our adoption blog [pops] again. We're finally getting somewhere!

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