Category: irritations

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Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Pet peeves

Meat products/steakhouses using cheerful animals in their advertising. Like that cow really wants you to eat her, and she won't be happy until her ass has been carved up, cooked and slapped on your plate.

Sideways rain. Gravity is law, damn it.

Pretentious people who use New Jersey instead of Satan's Armpit.

Infomercials that expect me to believe that the vaguely attractive moron in a labcoat is actually a doctor.

Toilet paper that feels like waxed paper. It's supposed to be absorbent. Jebus.

People who are "experts" in useless subjects like yodeling, poltergeists, or the French.

Categories: irritations, lists

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 9.37 AM | permalink:.

Friday, December 28, 2007

New Years Resolutions for 2008

As usual, in the spirit of refusing to admit that I actually have faults or bad habits, I present to you a list of resolutions everyone else should make for 2008.

1) About my hair: it's not that interesting. No, you can't touch it. Yes, I dye it myself. No, I will not tell you what colours I use to get this oh-so-vibrant shade - I don't care if your niece does want this exact colour. I have heard that my hair matches my car approximately 2,458,833 times, so if I refuse to chuckle politely anymore it's because you're not funny or original. And yes, I do realize that by dyeing my hair this colour, I'm asking for this sort of crap. I still reserve the right to be annoyed by it.

2) Do not come up to my dogs in public and pet them, poke them, or offer them candy and try to lure them into your van without asking first. Yes, they are incredibly adorable. But what you don't realize is that the big one will piddle on your toes in excitement and completely ruin your expensive but ugly shoes, and the little one will likely rip out your throat if he can get a good purchase on there. And I will not be held responsible for your urine-stained Uggs, nor will I pay for your medical care after my 15lb dachshund rips off your nose and swallows it.

3) Everyone should just stay out of the fucking left lane. If you can't use it correctly, I'm revoking your privilege to use it at all. You under-the-speed-limit-driving bastards.

4) If you overflow into my space on a long flight because you're too obese to fit your sweaty, overlarge frame into one admittedly tiny coach seat and the gate agent didn't think you were quite huge enough to actually warrant two seats (of course, she's not the one that has to sit next to you for 9 hours), and then steal my armrest, breathe your pungently garlic breath all over me, and continually jab me in the side with your flabby elbow, please note that I will be envisioning your death in a variety of painful, fiery ways with every fiber of my being, in the hopes that you will spontaneously combust. As long as you stay on your side of the armrest so I don't go up in flames as well.

5) You people that talk on your cell phone in public restrooms: stop it.

6) Do not assume just because we are both waiting in line for the same thing that I want to hear about your nasal polyps, marriage woes, or that time something funny happened while you were waiting in another line somewhere else. We have been temporarily thrown together by circumstances in that we're both fidgeting restlessly while some schmuck at the front of the queue tries to hit on the cashier because he mistakenly believes she likes him since she smiled at him and asked him how his day was, without realizing that she works for tips so she has to be nice, and that he smells like garbage and looks like his parents may have been closely related by blood. So please, leave me alone to fidget restlessly in peace.


I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas/holiday of your choice. Have a fantastic 2008!

Categories: irritations, lists

.:2 comments | baked by pie at 10.18 AM | permalink:.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

I like big butts, and I cannot lie

I think I've stumbled on a million-dollar diet idea. You know how people always suggest that you picture the audience naked if you get nervous when speaking in public? Well, I propose that people picture everyone around them au naturel at all times. In great detail. Every errant hair, every gravity-induced pocket of sagginess, every strange protuberance. One result would be that restaurant waitstaff would have to be incredibly attractive in order to retain any customer base, and they'd probably make a fortune in tips. At any restaurant that can't afford to hire attractive servers (fast food places, for example), a customer forced to imagine the staff in the buff will undoubtedly lose all desire to eat and decide to go for an impromptu jog instead.

If you're eating lunch at work, imagine the people in the cubicles around you sitting bare-assed at their desks, filling out their TPS report cover sheets, shedding chest hair, and leaving bum sweat on their chairs. Still hungry? Try to imagine a local politician waggling his wang at you while glad-handing the crowd after a speech, or your next door neighbour's bits swinging gently in the breeze while he's mowing the lawn. I can almost guarantee if you live in the US that you know someone whose naked body would cause you to lose your appetite.

The only problem with this concept as a diet plan is that there's no way to sell it. At least not until I find a way to actually control and/or read people's minds. And for god's sake, unless you want to become anorexic, do NOT picture Rosie O'Donnell or Carrot Top in the altogether.

Categories: irritations

.:0 comments | baked by pie at 5.35 PM | permalink:.