Category: megalomania

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Wednesday, January 18, 2005

Cheese, gum and the origins of life on Earth

Sometimes I get into these really odd, existential moods, where I start wondering about alternate realities and whatnot. Yeah, I know. I can tell your jaw just hit your chest. I heard it. Not believing in god (or whatever pasta dish is currently masquerading in its stead) makes explaining things like the platypus or Carrot Top really difficult, so I have to come up with other answers. But I'm sure you realise that I'm up to the task. Except when it comes to Carrot Top. There's just no explaining that guy.

My current theory goes something like this:
Years and years ago, there was a race of galactic super-beasts. Millions of light-years wide and many parsecs high, these beasties loved nothing more than practical jokes and drinking beer by the galaxy-load. One night, one of the teenaged beasties, I believe his name was Krog, decided to play a slightly mean-spirited trick on his little sister, Velveeta. Rounding up a few of his friends, they found the largest, hairiest, most disgusting black hole they could, and when she was sleeping they stuck her hand in it.

Well, you can bet Velveeta threw out a piercing scream when she awoke, flinging her arm (with black hole still attached) around with abandon, and jabbing her brother with a barbecue fork whenever she managed to get close enough, as she ran hurtling around space, leaving fallen pictures and broken windows in her wake. Krog led her on a merry chase all down Main Street, through stores and restaurants, he laughing, she shrieking. But all was to end in tears when Krog led Velveeta into the drugstore. There, the pharmacist, a Mr. Garbfig, stopped the two with one piercing stare. Velveeta's squealing wound down like a dying air raid siren, and Krog had the good sense to look ashamed of himself. But as Velveeta swung around to grab her brother and drag him home, she knocked over the gumball machine. Into the black hole still attached to her arm went the many-coloured gumballs, flying to all the corners of space in our own fledgling galaxy. And from those humble gum beginnings, began life on our planet Earth.

What, is it really any less believable than the bible?

Categories: megalomania, silliness

.:8 comments | baked by pie at 12.50 AM | permalink:.

Saturday, March 05, 2005

... and a wheelbarrow full of orangutans

I've decided that I will henceforth no longer be an atheist. I've decided to believe in god, and that god will be me. Yup. Supreme Ruler of the Universe. I didn't create the universe (so don't blame me), I'm just going to rule it now. My powers are apparently still ramping up because I don't seem to have as much control as I'd like just yet. But it's coming. Damn it. It's coming.

The main problem seems to be how to get my name out there so other people can worship me. Do I make bumper stickers? Send out billions of spam emails? Take out an ad on late-night TV? Well, I suppose the first thing is to get myself a nametag so I can at least inform those that I see on a daily basis. But that only covers a very small minority of people in general. I need to get my name out there on a larger scale. The largest scale, in fact - worldwide. Maybe I should try a many-pronged attack including infomercials, skywriting and a reality show featuring my antics 24 scintillating hours a day.

I've also come to the conclusion that if there is a hell, when I die I'm going to be greeted by a bunch of guys in red pajamas who would like nothing more than to spend eternity jabbing me with pointy sticks.

Categories: megalomania

.:4 comments | baked by pie at 1.47 AM | permalink:.

Friday, October 01, 2004

I said earlier that I don't discuss politics, but I've decided that since everyone is talking politics right now, I'll share my own in the form of short exerpts from The Pie Manifesto [cue deep ominous music]. It's not so much a manifesto, really, as it is a set of rules and regulations for the day I take control of the world. But Manifesto sounds so much cooler.

i. Utopia
... A utopia is a world without ignorance and greed, without hatred, violence and anger. But I think we can all agree that's never going to happen. So here's what we're going to do. You're going to do whatever I tell you to do, and I'll make sure you have everything you need. Plus, Fridays are "Orgy Days"...

ii. Reverence
... you will revere the Pie. Anyone caught in a non-reverent comment, pose or thought will be put to work in my dungeon (and not in one of the good jobs, either). If you refuse to revere the Pie, certain counter-measures will be taken, including but not limited to: brainwashing, torture, films involving Paris Hilton and/or the Olsen Twins...

iii. Peons/Slaves/Minions (i.e. the proletariat)
... there are always openings for minions, slaves, peons, sycophants, lackeys, boot-lickers, brown-nosers, toadies and various and sundry other ass-kissers. There are a few choice positions which become available regularly, as the Pie prefers a high turnover in these positions. These include: cabana boy, personal foot masseuse, Senior Toady, and personal Sammich Chef. These are the most coveted, inner-circle minion positions, but they're extremely difficult to come by. If you're interested in a minion position, please apply at the service entrance, and if you're lucky you may get a position as human carpeting.

That's it for now. I don't want to give everything away, you know.

Categories: megalomania

.:4 comments | baked by pie at 3.25 PM | permalink:.

Monday, December 20, 2004

Pie-ty

I was thinking that I need to start a new religion, with me as the messiah, of course. I think poor Rob is really starting to worry about me, especially since I told him that as of right now, I have 6 minions who are poised and waiting to do my bidding. Of course, 6 isn't many, which is why I need to expand my operation a bit. So I started to think about what it is that makes a religion appeal to people. I was raised Jewish, and attended Catholic and Episcopalian boarding schools so I've seen how a few of them work, although I myself have distanced myself from all organised religion since I was maybe 12 so I'm a little out-of-touch. Some religions are really quite cult-like, but not quite enough for my purposes. I really need a hook that will convince people to give me all their worldly possessions and surrender their will to me. And without any of this insanity involving flying saucers or heaven under the South Pole.

There has to be a central theme of the cult er religion, so I decided to go with fear (seems to work pretty well for Christianity - no offense intended to any Christians out there). Of course, I will need my followers to fear me, but there also has to be a basic tenet, a truth, based around fear to lure them in to begin with. After long and arduous thought, I decided upon the following:

1) Sexual perversion brings you closer to your saviour (i.e., me).
2) Sugar makes you stronger and smarter. If you inject it directly into your veins (in a diluted solution, of course! Can't be irresponsible and kill off my followers before I'm ready), you will be more powerful than you've ever dreamed possible.
3) The sun is a device created by the government which sends out not heat/light rays but mind-control waves. You must stay in my special sun-resistant bunker to avoid having your mind controlled (by anyone but me). Therefore you will have no need for your homes, cars, possessions - you might as well sign 'em over to me before moving in. Top bunks are most popular, so get here early if you want one.
4) To move up in rank within the church, you must recruit at least 5 converts. This is true for every rank.
5) Free love is a basic principle of my new religion. That ought to bring in the men by the truckloads.

Please send $5 and an SAE to my PO Box if you're interested in receiving more information. Thanks to TotalFarkers sfmissionm and brazil for the suggestions.

Categories: megalomania

.:9 comments | baked by pie at 3.25 PM | permalink:.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

I really think I'd make a good evil genius, so I'm going to write a book. Here, for your reading pleasure, is a synopsis of my proposed book.

7 Habits of Highly Effective Evil Geniuses.

Chapter 1) Minions. Be propitious yet take a firm disciplinary stance with your underlings. Minions like to feel useful and need to be given explicit instructions or they'll loaf about all day, but they don't like to be taken advantage of. Careful not to trip over the preposition at the end of that last sentence...

Chapter 2) Planning. Never EVER give away your entire plan to your nemesis, even if you're about to kill him. And for that matter, don't use some convoluted method to kill your nemesis - just shoot him. It's quicker and more effective. Just watch any Bond flick to see what NOT to do.

Chapter 3) Lairs. Don't spend millions of dollars on your lair. You can get just as quality furnishings at Ikea for a fraction of the price. That way, you can spend a lot more cash on your plan. And if anyone comments that your lair doesn't look quite "evil" enough, kill him. Simple.

Chapter 4) Staffing (not to be confused with minions - these are paid assistants and yes-men). Don't hire hot chicks with a propensity for wearing bikinis. They will always run off and shag your nemesis, and then in the afterglow, will reveal all your plans, your achilles heel and the easiest way to break into your lair.

Chapter 5) Evil Style. Don't wear all-silver, shave your head, get an ugly cat, or any other number of unnecessary evil genius cliches. No one will take you seriously and it draws attention to you. Contrary to popular belief, it's better to stay underground until your plan is complete. If everyone knows who and where you are, it's much more likely your plan will be foiled.

Chapter 6) Weaponry. Don't waste all your time trying to design impossible weapons that you think will look impressive or cool. Just stock up on lots of guns and possibly a cross-bow or two, and you're set. No need for sharks with lasers on their heads.

Chapter 7) Taking Over the World. Don't set your sights too high at the start. You need to work your way up - start with maybe taking over a city block, or your local dry-cleaners. Then move up to a trailer park or industrial area, and finally a city. Then take over incrementally larger areas until you're ready to take on the big cheese. Good luck!

Categories: megalomania

.:8 comments | baked by pie at 12.23 PM | permalink:.