Monday, September 01, 2008
Oliver the Basset Detective
Note from Oliver regarding this story: Pie, my human mum, wrote this story about me, and I wanted to share it with everyone, since I'm the hero. 'Rob the Butler' is my human dad, and Polly and Laddie were friends of mine when we lived across the big water before we moved here where people talk funny.
Oliver was taking his mid-afternoon siesta on the well-chewed couch in his office at the house on Gisburne Way, Watford, when he heard a quiet knock at the door.
"Enter," he called.
His butler Rob entered hesitantly, remembering past instances when he had been soundly disciplined for disturbing Oliver Basset at an inopportune moment.
"There is a Miss Polly Shi Tzu to see you, sir," Rob told him and then stood back to allow Miss Polly to enter.
She was a beautiful bitch, silver and white with long, flowing locks and large shining brown eyes. Oliver knew that this was one case he wouldn’t be able to turn down. He was a sucker for a damsel in distress. He stood up from the couch and led her over to one of his comfortably gnawed, hairy armchairs. After she had seated herself comfortably, Oliver offered her a drink from his dog bowl. When she declined, he sat down on the couch again.
"What seems to be the problem, Miss Polly?" He asked kindly, chewing contentedly on his rag toy.
"It seems that my owner’s pooper-scooper has gone missing, Mr. Basset. I have heard around the lamp posts that this is becoming something of a problem for many dogs in the area. I need your help to get it back, for until it is recovered I cannot do my business." Miss Polly’s eyes were shiny and Oliver saw that she was on the verge of tears.
"This is a terrible crime!" Oliver Basset exclaimed. "Until I have solved this case, I advise you to use my back garden, out through the dog door there," he gestured toward the back wall of his office with one furry paw.
"Oh, thank you, Mr. Basset, for taking on my case. I don’t know how we would have coped without you!" She trotted over to him and licked him across the snout before bounding out the dog door into the garden.
Oliver opened his office door and called for Rob. "I will need you to clean the garden after Miss Polly is finished. Also, please call Dr. Laddie. I will need his help in tracking down the evil perpetrator of this crime."
He went back into his office to await Dr. Laddie. Miss Polly re-entered his office and settled herself on the armchair, after "skiing" along the carpet for a few minutes. She apologized for her behaviour, saying that it had been a long time since she’d been able to do her business.
When Rob told him that Dr. Laddie was waiting in the hall, Oliver instructed his butler to clean the carpet in his office. Then he grabbed his coat and led his partner out to the front door onto the street.
"Well, Dr. Laddie. The game is a-paw. Why don’t we begin at the park by asking some questions of the locals."
Dr. Laddie shook his large hairy head in assent. He was an old English Sheep Dog who was quite young in dog years, but his long white and grey hair made him look old and a fair bit like a dirty mop. Still, he was the most faithful companion Oliver had and was useful in his investigations, with his extensive forensics knowledge.
"Dr. Laddie, I suspect that this crime spree has something to do with Charlie, the infamous Cat Burglar. You remember, he was responsible a few years back for stealing the Kitty Litter from every cat’s home in the city!"
"I agree with your deduction, Oliver. How should we proceed?" Dr. Laddie barked gruffly.
"I suggest that we -" he broke off suddenly, having spotted the cat burglar himself fleeing through the park, weaving around groups of dogs huddled together in agony, unable to relieve themselves.
"There he is, Laddie! After him!"
They ran towards the park exit that Charlie had passed through. Oliver knew their suspicions had been correct as Charlie had been carrying a pooper-scooper in his mouth as he ran. "That’s really not very sanitary," Oliver thought as he rushed after the sinister cat burglar. But he knew Charlie had not spotted himself and Laddie, as he’d been fleeing in the opposite direction.
"Quickly, Laddie. We must find his hideout and catch him as soon as is caninely possible," Oliver called over his shoulder as he bolted down the side road after the fiendish Charlie.
As they turned the corner, they saw Charlie’s ginger tail disappear into a cat-flap on a small, white house. After much pushing, shoving and squeezing, they entered the villain’s lair. Stacked from floor to ceiling were the stolen pooper-scoopers, a rainbow of red, green and blue plastic. Charlie let out a piercing shriek of dismay, as he discovered his arch-nemesis in his hideout. He attempted to squeeze past them and out through his cat-flap, but Oliver was too quick for him. They diverted him from his intended escape and chased him up the stairs, finally cornering him in his laboratory where the walls were covered in plans for his next fiendish plot.
"Give up, Charlie. We’ve got you cornered!" Oliver roared. Charlie hissed and meowed, waving his tail back and forth wildly and baring his teeth and claws. "With what we have here in this house alone, you won’t be hatching any more schemes for quite some time."
Oliver made a quick leap and trapped Charlie to the floor. Within seconds, Laddie had him paw-cuffed to the bedpost.
As the police took Charlie the Cat Burglar away, they thanked Oliver Basset for helping to foil yet another of Charlie’s dastardly plots. "This case has been puzzling us for weeks, Mr. Basset."
"Well, you haven’t been in the business as long as I have," Oliver said magnanimously before turning to his faithful companion Dr Laddie. "How would you like to join me for a late supper of kibble and tap water? Rob may have an inferior intellect, but he puts out a mean bowl of kibble."
"I would love to," Dr. Laddie said, and the two returned to the house on Gisburne Way to tell Miss Polly that her owner’s pooper-scooper would soon be returned by the police.
Miss Polly thanked Oliver and Laddie profusely, licking them each repeatedly on the muzzle before excusing herself and running home.
Oliver sighed with lust. "Wish I’d gotten her phone number. Rob’s leg just isn’t as satisfying as it used to be." He told Rob to bring in their late supper and they sat down to enjoy their well-earned meal.
Note from Oliver regarding this story: Pie, my human mum, wrote this story about me, and I wanted to share it with everyone, since I'm the hero. 'Rob the Butler' is my human dad, and Polly and Laddie were friends of mine when we lived across the big water before we moved here where people talk funny.
Oliver was taking his mid-afternoon siesta on the well-chewed couch in his office at the house on Gisburne Way, Watford, when he heard a quiet knock at the door.
"Enter," he called.
His butler Rob entered hesitantly, remembering past instances when he had been soundly disciplined for disturbing Oliver Basset at an inopportune moment.
"There is a Miss Polly Shi Tzu to see you, sir," Rob told him and then stood back to allow Miss Polly to enter.
She was a beautiful bitch, silver and white with long, flowing locks and large shining brown eyes. Oliver knew that this was one case he wouldn’t be able to turn down. He was a sucker for a damsel in distress. He stood up from the couch and led her over to one of his comfortably gnawed, hairy armchairs. After she had seated herself comfortably, Oliver offered her a drink from his dog bowl. When she declined, he sat down on the couch again.
"What seems to be the problem, Miss Polly?" He asked kindly, chewing contentedly on his rag toy.
"It seems that my owner’s pooper-scooper has gone missing, Mr. Basset. I have heard around the lamp posts that this is becoming something of a problem for many dogs in the area. I need your help to get it back, for until it is recovered I cannot do my business." Miss Polly’s eyes were shiny and Oliver saw that she was on the verge of tears.
"This is a terrible crime!" Oliver Basset exclaimed. "Until I have solved this case, I advise you to use my back garden, out through the dog door there," he gestured toward the back wall of his office with one furry paw.
"Oh, thank you, Mr. Basset, for taking on my case. I don’t know how we would have coped without you!" She trotted over to him and licked him across the snout before bounding out the dog door into the garden.
Oliver opened his office door and called for Rob. "I will need you to clean the garden after Miss Polly is finished. Also, please call Dr. Laddie. I will need his help in tracking down the evil perpetrator of this crime."
He went back into his office to await Dr. Laddie. Miss Polly re-entered his office and settled herself on the armchair, after "skiing" along the carpet for a few minutes. She apologized for her behaviour, saying that it had been a long time since she’d been able to do her business.
When Rob told him that Dr. Laddie was waiting in the hall, Oliver instructed his butler to clean the carpet in his office. Then he grabbed his coat and led his partner out to the front door onto the street.
"Well, Dr. Laddie. The game is a-paw. Why don’t we begin at the park by asking some questions of the locals."
Dr. Laddie shook his large hairy head in assent. He was an old English Sheep Dog who was quite young in dog years, but his long white and grey hair made him look old and a fair bit like a dirty mop. Still, he was the most faithful companion Oliver had and was useful in his investigations, with his extensive forensics knowledge.
"Dr. Laddie, I suspect that this crime spree has something to do with Charlie, the infamous Cat Burglar. You remember, he was responsible a few years back for stealing the Kitty Litter from every cat’s home in the city!"
"I agree with your deduction, Oliver. How should we proceed?" Dr. Laddie barked gruffly.
"I suggest that we -" he broke off suddenly, having spotted the cat burglar himself fleeing through the park, weaving around groups of dogs huddled together in agony, unable to relieve themselves.
"There he is, Laddie! After him!"
They ran towards the park exit that Charlie had passed through. Oliver knew their suspicions had been correct as Charlie had been carrying a pooper-scooper in his mouth as he ran. "That’s really not very sanitary," Oliver thought as he rushed after the sinister cat burglar. But he knew Charlie had not spotted himself and Laddie, as he’d been fleeing in the opposite direction.
"Quickly, Laddie. We must find his hideout and catch him as soon as is caninely possible," Oliver called over his shoulder as he bolted down the side road after the fiendish Charlie.
As they turned the corner, they saw Charlie’s ginger tail disappear into a cat-flap on a small, white house. After much pushing, shoving and squeezing, they entered the villain’s lair. Stacked from floor to ceiling were the stolen pooper-scoopers, a rainbow of red, green and blue plastic. Charlie let out a piercing shriek of dismay, as he discovered his arch-nemesis in his hideout. He attempted to squeeze past them and out through his cat-flap, but Oliver was too quick for him. They diverted him from his intended escape and chased him up the stairs, finally cornering him in his laboratory where the walls were covered in plans for his next fiendish plot.
"Give up, Charlie. We’ve got you cornered!" Oliver roared. Charlie hissed and meowed, waving his tail back and forth wildly and baring his teeth and claws. "With what we have here in this house alone, you won’t be hatching any more schemes for quite some time."
Oliver made a quick leap and trapped Charlie to the floor. Within seconds, Laddie had him paw-cuffed to the bedpost.
As the police took Charlie the Cat Burglar away, they thanked Oliver Basset for helping to foil yet another of Charlie’s dastardly plots. "This case has been puzzling us for weeks, Mr. Basset."
"Well, you haven’t been in the business as long as I have," Oliver said magnanimously before turning to his faithful companion Dr Laddie. "How would you like to join me for a late supper of kibble and tap water? Rob may have an inferior intellect, but he puts out a mean bowl of kibble."
"I would love to," Dr. Laddie said, and the two returned to the house on Gisburne Way to tell Miss Polly that her owner’s pooper-scooper would soon be returned by the police.
Miss Polly thanked Oliver and Laddie profusely, licking them each repeatedly on the muzzle before excusing herself and running home.
Oliver sighed with lust. "Wish I’d gotten her phone number. Rob’s leg just isn’t as satisfying as it used to be." He told Rob to bring in their late supper and they sat down to enjoy their well-earned meal.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Baby blues
Well, I've officially been a parent to a two year old for a little over three months now, and I thought I'd share a little of my newly acquired parenting wisdom so everyone can benefit from my experience.
* Duct tape does not make a good babysitter (it tends to strip the paint off the wall when you pull him down).
* Boys will pee anywhere, at any time, on anything.
* Toddlers are like angry, violent drunks or happy, I-love-you-man drunks for a lot of the time. But keep in mind that they are not actually drunk and resist the temptation to give them whiskey.
* Do not, under any circumstances, allow your kid put his hand into his diaper.
* Dogs are the best tool for cleaning up after dinnertime tantrums.
* "Yay" is a good all-purpose word.
* Teaching your kid to yell "Da plane! Da plane!" every time a plane flies overhead does not make you a bad parent. However, dressing him in a white suit may make you a bad parent.
* They don't make dog-sized saddles for a reason.
Well, I've officially been a parent to a two year old for a little over three months now, and I thought I'd share a little of my newly acquired parenting wisdom so everyone can benefit from my experience.
* Duct tape does not make a good babysitter (it tends to strip the paint off the wall when you pull him down).
* Boys will pee anywhere, at any time, on anything.
* Toddlers are like angry, violent drunks or happy, I-love-you-man drunks for a lot of the time. But keep in mind that they are not actually drunk and resist the temptation to give them whiskey.
* Do not, under any circumstances, allow your kid put his hand into his diaper.
* Dogs are the best tool for cleaning up after dinnertime tantrums.
* "Yay" is a good all-purpose word.
* Teaching your kid to yell "Da plane! Da plane!" every time a plane flies overhead does not make you a bad parent. However, dressing him in a white suit may make you a bad parent.
* They don't make dog-sized saddles for a reason.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
The Care and Feeding of Your Geek
Geeks tend to be very shy, reserved creatures and aren't often seen in the wild, preferring to remain sheltered where they won't be noticed or harrassed. If you do happen to catch a geek be sure to treat it gently and with kindness. When a geek is frightened or forced into a corner, it will often bite or scratch and take the first opportunity to flee and find the closest WiFi network. So take precautions when approaching any trapped or cornered geek to ensure that neither you nor it will come to any harm.
Geeks are fairly low-maintenance pets, and you can easily add one to your family without spending a fortune - and often, you almost forget they're around if they're happy and all their needs are being met. That said, geeks can be very useful additions to your household as once they're settled they can rebuild your computer, fix your toaster oven, and teach you the cheats and tricks for your favorite video game. They're friendly for the most part and often adorable - like a small fuzzy creature you just want to squeeze and squeeze until its head pops off. Note: don't do this.
Bringing your geek home
Once you’ve trapped a geek and you're absolutely sure you want to try to domesticate it rather than releasing it back into the wild, be very careful to approach your geek from the front. Geeks can be skittish, and don't like people creeping up behind them in case they're in the midst of an embarrassing message-board flame war or viewing online porn.
You can tempt your geek by offering it Monty Python DVDs, Douglas Adams books or sticks of RAM. Once you have its attention, coo soothingly to it about science fiction, the latest technology, or whether Kirk was superior to Picard.
Once it’s made eye contact with you, your best bet is to swoop in quickly, place a cotton bag over its head so it will think it's asleep (it helps to play the Star Wars theme so it will be distracted by thoughts of Princess Leia, which will keep any male geek docile), and bundle it into your car.
Housing
Now that you’ve brought your geek home, what do you do with it? Well, a geek’s housing needs are pretty simple. Make sure that you have an ergonomic desk set up as well as a comfortable gaming chair in front of the game console (you do have one, don’t you? If not, get one! Go on - now!) They will need sleeping quarters but will rarely use them, preferring to stay up nights playing WoW.
Food / Water
An endless supply of snack foods and easy-to-make instant meals is always a good start. Caffeinated drinks are a favorite, so be sure you have plenty on hand.
Lighting
Geeks tend to prefer artificial light to natural daylight, so don’t force your geek to venture out into the sun if it’s not comfortable doing so. Be sure to provide plenty of halogen or fluorescent lighting around your geek’s work and gaming areas as the buzzing fluorescents can often be soothing for your geek.
Handling
Geeks can be a little skittish when it comes to physical contact, so be sure that it’s comfortable with you before you try handling it. Once you’ve made a bond with your geek, you should be able to handle it whenever you like, but keep in mind that if your geek is preoccupied with an MMORPG, it may snarl or bare its teeth at you.
Enjoy!
Geeks are very enjoyable low-maintenance pets once you get one to trust you. Just keep in mind that you will keep your geek much happier, and therefore more friendly towards you, if all its needs are being met. Enjoy the new geeky addition to your family!
Geeks tend to be very shy, reserved creatures and aren't often seen in the wild, preferring to remain sheltered where they won't be noticed or harrassed. If you do happen to catch a geek be sure to treat it gently and with kindness. When a geek is frightened or forced into a corner, it will often bite or scratch and take the first opportunity to flee and find the closest WiFi network. So take precautions when approaching any trapped or cornered geek to ensure that neither you nor it will come to any harm.
Geeks are fairly low-maintenance pets, and you can easily add one to your family without spending a fortune - and often, you almost forget they're around if they're happy and all their needs are being met. That said, geeks can be very useful additions to your household as once they're settled they can rebuild your computer, fix your toaster oven, and teach you the cheats and tricks for your favorite video game. They're friendly for the most part and often adorable - like a small fuzzy creature you just want to squeeze and squeeze until its head pops off. Note: don't do this.
Bringing your geek home
Once you’ve trapped a geek and you're absolutely sure you want to try to domesticate it rather than releasing it back into the wild, be very careful to approach your geek from the front. Geeks can be skittish, and don't like people creeping up behind them in case they're in the midst of an embarrassing message-board flame war or viewing online porn.
You can tempt your geek by offering it Monty Python DVDs, Douglas Adams books or sticks of RAM. Once you have its attention, coo soothingly to it about science fiction, the latest technology, or whether Kirk was superior to Picard.
Once it’s made eye contact with you, your best bet is to swoop in quickly, place a cotton bag over its head so it will think it's asleep (it helps to play the Star Wars theme so it will be distracted by thoughts of Princess Leia, which will keep any male geek docile), and bundle it into your car.
Housing
Now that you’ve brought your geek home, what do you do with it? Well, a geek’s housing needs are pretty simple. Make sure that you have an ergonomic desk set up as well as a comfortable gaming chair in front of the game console (you do have one, don’t you? If not, get one! Go on - now!) They will need sleeping quarters but will rarely use them, preferring to stay up nights playing WoW.
Food / Water
An endless supply of snack foods and easy-to-make instant meals is always a good start. Caffeinated drinks are a favorite, so be sure you have plenty on hand.
Lighting
Geeks tend to prefer artificial light to natural daylight, so don’t force your geek to venture out into the sun if it’s not comfortable doing so. Be sure to provide plenty of halogen or fluorescent lighting around your geek’s work and gaming areas as the buzzing fluorescents can often be soothing for your geek.
Handling
Geeks can be a little skittish when it comes to physical contact, so be sure that it’s comfortable with you before you try handling it. Once you’ve made a bond with your geek, you should be able to handle it whenever you like, but keep in mind that if your geek is preoccupied with an MMORPG, it may snarl or bare its teeth at you.
Enjoy!
Geeks are very enjoyable low-maintenance pets once you get one to trust you. Just keep in mind that you will keep your geek much happier, and therefore more friendly towards you, if all its needs are being met. Enjoy the new geeky addition to your family!
Friday, June 06, 2008
I have no idea...
...why I felt the urge to make this, but I blame it on sleep deprivation. Can you tell who it's supposed to be?
...why I felt the urge to make this, but I blame it on sleep deprivation. Can you tell who it's supposed to be?
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Parenthood looms
Just a quick note to say that I've updated our adoption blog. We're leaving on April 17th and will return on May 1st. And when we come back, we'll be parents! Anyway, check it out [pops].
I'm too terrified (and excited) to have much else to say, so I'll just leave you with a couple of my favorites:
Just a quick note to say that I've updated our adoption blog. We're leaving on April 17th and will return on May 1st. And when we come back, we'll be parents! Anyway, check it out [pops].
I'm too terrified (and excited) to have much else to say, so I'll just leave you with a couple of my favorites:
Monday, March 24, 2008
New designer dog breeds:
Lakeland Terrier
Lhasa Apso
+ Pointer
La-sa Pointer
Miniature Pinscher
Cardigan Welsh Corgi
+ Kerry Blue Terrier
Miniature Blue Cardigan
Great Dane
+ Scottish Terrier
Great Scott
Whippet
Golden Retriever
+ Bloodhound
Whippet Good
Lakeland Terrier
Lhasa Apso
+ Pointer
La-sa Pointer
Miniature Pinscher
Cardigan Welsh Corgi
+ Kerry Blue Terrier
Miniature Blue Cardigan
Great Dane
+ Scottish Terrier
Great Scott
Whippet
Golden Retriever
+ Bloodhound
Whippet Good
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Pet peeves
Meat products/steakhouses using cheerful animals in their advertising. Like that cow really wants you to eat her, and she won't be happy until her ass has been carved up, cooked and slapped on your plate.
Sideways rain. Gravity is law, damn it.
Pretentious people who use New Jersey instead of Satan's Armpit.
Infomercials that expect me to believe that the vaguely attractive moron in a labcoat is actually a doctor.
Toilet paper that feels like waxed paper. It's supposed to be absorbent. Jebus.
People who are "experts" in useless subjects like yodeling, poltergeists, or the French.
Meat products/steakhouses using cheerful animals in their advertising. Like that cow really wants you to eat her, and she won't be happy until her ass has been carved up, cooked and slapped on your plate.
Sideways rain. Gravity is law, damn it.
Pretentious people who use New Jersey instead of Satan's Armpit.
Infomercials that expect me to believe that the vaguely attractive moron in a labcoat is actually a doctor.
Toilet paper that feels like waxed paper. It's supposed to be absorbent. Jebus.
People who are "experts" in useless subjects like yodeling, poltergeists, or the French.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Not my best efforts, but...
Polar weasel:
Meer cat:
And if anyone's paying attention, I've updated our adoption blog [pops].
Meer cat:
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Jack Kevorkian visits the elderly
It was a dark and stormy afternoon, as Jack swung his 1968 VW Microbus into the handicapped spot of the Shady Pines parking lot. It was Saturday, and visiting hours were in full swing.
He stopped at reception and signed in as Dr. Joseph Gruber, expert in senility, dementia and Alzheimer's. The receptionist told him to have a seat and that the facility director would be with him shortly.
Jack clipped the visitors pass to his suit coat and, ignoring the receptionist's invitation to sit in the lobby, strolled down the hallway away from the common areas, looking for bedrooms still occupied by lonely residents with no family to visit them. He poked his head around the doorframe of room #314 and simpered, "Yoo-hoo! Anyone home?"
After a moment, a frail voice responded, "Just a minute." This was followed by the sound of a toilet flushing and a labored climb back into bed.
Jack smiled to himself. She hadn't even washed her hands. She was clearly pretty far gone, and deserved to be 'set free'.
Moving quickly and quietly from room to room, Jack finally found enough oldsters to fill the seats in his Microbus. He led (or wheeled) them slowly out the back door and around to the van, strapped them all in and sped out of the car park while the Shady Pines staff were still too occupied with visiting families to notice that they were missing.
Some of the seniors were starting to get suspicious by this point, seeing all the other family-less patients in the van. They started to question Jack, who was startled into giving them his real name. Hearing this, the seniors were galvanized into action and the one closest the door reached for the handles, not realizing that they were speeding down the freeway at 65mph. Gasping, he slid the door shut again and fidgeted restlessly with his seatbelt, not knowing what he should do. Others sat and drooled or whined quietly to themselves.
Finally, Jack pulled off the freeway and into a large parking lot which was mostly full. He pulled up to the handicapped spot at the front and stopped the engine. "It's time," he called back to his passengers. "Don't worry about bringing your pocketbooks with you. You won't need them where you're going."
Jack led them in a straggling line up to the large gates and paid the admission. "What would you like to do first? Merry-go-round? Ferris wheel? Maybe some cotton candy?"
The oldsters let out a wheezy cheer and rushed as fast as their failing legs (or wheelchairs) would allow them towards the closest public restroom.
It was a dark and stormy afternoon, as Jack swung his 1968 VW Microbus into the handicapped spot of the Shady Pines parking lot. It was Saturday, and visiting hours were in full swing.
He stopped at reception and signed in as Dr. Joseph Gruber, expert in senility, dementia and Alzheimer's. The receptionist told him to have a seat and that the facility director would be with him shortly.
Jack clipped the visitors pass to his suit coat and, ignoring the receptionist's invitation to sit in the lobby, strolled down the hallway away from the common areas, looking for bedrooms still occupied by lonely residents with no family to visit them. He poked his head around the doorframe of room #314 and simpered, "Yoo-hoo! Anyone home?"
After a moment, a frail voice responded, "Just a minute." This was followed by the sound of a toilet flushing and a labored climb back into bed.
Jack smiled to himself. She hadn't even washed her hands. She was clearly pretty far gone, and deserved to be 'set free'.
Moving quickly and quietly from room to room, Jack finally found enough oldsters to fill the seats in his Microbus. He led (or wheeled) them slowly out the back door and around to the van, strapped them all in and sped out of the car park while the Shady Pines staff were still too occupied with visiting families to notice that they were missing.
Some of the seniors were starting to get suspicious by this point, seeing all the other family-less patients in the van. They started to question Jack, who was startled into giving them his real name. Hearing this, the seniors were galvanized into action and the one closest the door reached for the handles, not realizing that they were speeding down the freeway at 65mph. Gasping, he slid the door shut again and fidgeted restlessly with his seatbelt, not knowing what he should do. Others sat and drooled or whined quietly to themselves.
Finally, Jack pulled off the freeway and into a large parking lot which was mostly full. He pulled up to the handicapped spot at the front and stopped the engine. "It's time," he called back to his passengers. "Don't worry about bringing your pocketbooks with you. You won't need them where you're going."
Jack led them in a straggling line up to the large gates and paid the admission. "What would you like to do first? Merry-go-round? Ferris wheel? Maybe some cotton candy?"
The oldsters let out a wheezy cheer and rushed as fast as their failing legs (or wheelchairs) would allow them towards the closest public restroom.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Google applications for real life
1) Blocking annoying coworkers who try to rope you into long, drawn-out conversations about their kids, their relationship troubles, or that time they drank an entire keg in college.
2) Locating your lost keys.
Click for legible version [pops]
3) Blocking door-to-door solicitors trying to sell you magazine subscriptions, Girl Scout cookies, or god.
4) Getting stuff down from a high shelf.
5) Some sort of fridge alarm that warns you that what you're about to eat has expired and is likely to cause an explosive reaction in your pants.
What would you like Google to build an application for?
1) Blocking annoying coworkers who try to rope you into long, drawn-out conversations about their kids, their relationship troubles, or that time they drank an entire keg in college.
2) Locating your lost keys.
Click for legible version [pops]
3) Blocking door-to-door solicitors trying to sell you magazine subscriptions, Girl Scout cookies, or god.
4) Getting stuff down from a high shelf.
5) Some sort of fridge alarm that warns you that what you're about to eat has expired and is likely to cause an explosive reaction in your pants.
What would you like Google to build an application for?
Friday, February 29, 2008
Random lists that no one cares about
8 Things I'm Passionate About
- Music
- Animals
- Rob
- Computers
- The kidlet
- Cheese
- Coffee
- Pain relief
8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
- Be a great mum
- Move to another country (ok, a different one)
- Retire early
- Rebuild family relationships
- Write a book
- Adopt a second child
- Celebrate my 50th anniversary
- Play in another band
8 Things I Say Often
- Shit shit shit (has to be said 3 times)
- Pfft
- Good dog!
- Bad dog!
- I hate my job
- Get off the fuckin' road, if you can't drive
- Fuck
- Oaf (I'm trying to bring it back into popularity - and failing)
8 Books I've Read Recently
- Blaze by Stephen King
- Toddler Adoption: A Weaver's Craft
- Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett
- What to Expect, The Toddler Years
- Soul Music by Terry Pratchett
- Night Watch by Terry Pratchett
- The Science of Discworld
- Feet of Clay by Terry Pratchett
8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over
- While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles
- Let it Grow - Eric Clapton
- Optimistic Thought - Blues Traveler
- Something I Can Never Have - Nine Inch Nails
- For You Blue - The Beatles
- World in My Eyes - Depeche Mode
- Isolation - John Lennon
- Tangled Up in Blue - Bob Dylan
8 Things I'm Passionate About
- Music
- Animals
- Rob
- Computers
- The kidlet
- Cheese
- Coffee
- Pain relief
8 Things I Want to Do Before I Die
- Be a great mum
- Move to another country (ok, a different one)
- Retire early
- Rebuild family relationships
- Write a book
- Adopt a second child
- Celebrate my 50th anniversary
- Play in another band
8 Things I Say Often
- Shit shit shit (has to be said 3 times)
- Pfft
- Good dog!
- Bad dog!
- I hate my job
- Get off the fuckin' road, if you can't drive
- Fuck
- Oaf (I'm trying to bring it back into popularity - and failing)
8 Books I've Read Recently
- Blaze by Stephen King
- Toddler Adoption: A Weaver's Craft
- Guards! Guards! by Terry Pratchett
- What to Expect, The Toddler Years
- Soul Music by Terry Pratchett
- Night Watch by Terry Pratchett
- The Science of Discworld
- Feet of Clay by Terry Pratchett
8 Songs I Could Listen to Over and Over
- While My Guitar Gently Weeps - The Beatles
- Let it Grow - Eric Clapton
- Optimistic Thought - Blues Traveler
- Something I Can Never Have - Nine Inch Nails
- For You Blue - The Beatles
- World in My Eyes - Depeche Mode
- Isolation - John Lennon
- Tangled Up in Blue - Bob Dylan
