Permalink

   << back home

Tuesday, April 20, 2004

I really think I'd make a good evil genius, so I'm going to write a book. Here, for your reading pleasure, is a synopsis of my proposed book.

7 Habits of Highly Effective Evil Geniuses.

Chapter 1) Minions. Be propitious yet take a firm disciplinary stance with your underlings. Minions like to feel useful and need to be given explicit instructions or they'll loaf about all day, but they don't like to be taken advantage of. Careful not to trip over the preposition at the end of that last sentence...

Chapter 2) Planning. Never EVER give away your entire plan to your nemesis, even if you're about to kill him. And for that matter, don't use some convoluted method to kill your nemesis - just shoot him. It's quicker and more effective. Just watch any Bond flick to see what NOT to do.

Chapter 3) Lairs. Don't spend millions of dollars on your lair. You can get just as quality furnishings at Ikea for a fraction of the price. That way, you can spend a lot more cash on your plan. And if anyone comments that your lair doesn't look quite "evil" enough, kill him. Simple.

Chapter 4) Staffing (not to be confused with minions - these are paid assistants and yes-men). Don't hire hot chicks with a propensity for wearing bikinis. They will always run off and shag your nemesis, and then in the afterglow, will reveal all your plans, your achilles heel and the easiest way to break into your lair.

Chapter 5) Evil Style. Don't wear all-silver, shave your head, get an ugly cat, or any other number of unnecessary evil genius cliches. No one will take you seriously and it draws attention to you. Contrary to popular belief, it's better to stay underground until your plan is complete. If everyone knows who and where you are, it's much more likely your plan will be foiled.

Chapter 6) Weaponry. Don't waste all your time trying to design impossible weapons that you think will look impressive or cool. Just stock up on lots of guns and possibly a cross-bow or two, and you're set. No need for sharks with lasers on their heads.

Chapter 7) Taking Over the World. Don't set your sights too high at the start. You need to work your way up - start with maybe taking over a city block, or your local dry-cleaners. Then move up to a trailer park or industrial area, and finally a city. Then take over incrementally larger areas until you're ready to take on the big cheese. Good luck!

.:8 comments | baked by pie at 12.23 PM | permalink:.