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Monday, December 20, 2004

Pie-ty

I was thinking that I need to start a new religion, with me as the messiah, of course. I think poor Rob is really starting to worry about me, especially since I told him that as of right now, I have 6 minions who are poised and waiting to do my bidding. Of course, 6 isn't many, which is why I need to expand my operation a bit. So I started to think about what it is that makes a religion appeal to people. I was raised Jewish, and attended Catholic and Episcopalian boarding schools so I've seen how a few of them work, although I myself have distanced myself from all organised religion since I was maybe 12 so I'm a little out-of-touch. Some religions are really quite cult-like, but not quite enough for my purposes. I really need a hook that will convince people to give me all their worldly possessions and surrender their will to me. And without any of this insanity involving flying saucers or heaven under the South Pole.

There has to be a central theme of the cult er religion, so I decided to go with fear (seems to work pretty well for Christianity - no offense intended to any Christians out there). Of course, I will need my followers to fear me, but there also has to be a basic tenet, a truth, based around fear to lure them in to begin with. After long and arduous thought, I decided upon the following:

1) Sexual perversion brings you closer to your saviour (i.e., me).
2) Sugar makes you stronger and smarter. If you inject it directly into your veins (in a diluted solution, of course! Can't be irresponsible and kill off my followers before I'm ready), you will be more powerful than you've ever dreamed possible.
3) The sun is a device created by the government which sends out not heat/light rays but mind-control waves. You must stay in my special sun-resistant bunker to avoid having your mind controlled (by anyone but me). Therefore you will have no need for your homes, cars, possessions - you might as well sign 'em over to me before moving in. Top bunks are most popular, so get here early if you want one.
4) To move up in rank within the church, you must recruit at least 5 converts. This is true for every rank.
5) Free love is a basic principle of my new religion. That ought to bring in the men by the truckloads.

Please send $5 and an SAE to my PO Box if you're interested in receiving more information. Thanks to TotalFarkers sfmissionm and brazil for the suggestions.

.:9 comments | baked by pie at 3.25 PM | permalink:.