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Friday, October 01, 2004

I said earlier that I don't discuss politics, but I've decided that since everyone is talking politics right now, I'll share my own in the form of short exerpts from The Pie Manifesto [cue deep ominous music]. It's not so much a manifesto, really, as it is a set of rules and regulations for the day I take control of the world. But Manifesto sounds so much cooler.

i. Utopia
... A utopia is a world without ignorance and greed, without hatred, violence and anger. But I think we can all agree that's never going to happen. So here's what we're going to do. You're going to do whatever I tell you to do, and I'll make sure you have everything you need. Plus, Fridays are "Orgy Days"...

ii. Reverence
... you will revere the Pie. Anyone caught in a non-reverent comment, pose or thought will be put to work in my dungeon (and not in one of the good jobs, either). If you refuse to revere the Pie, certain counter-measures will be taken, including but not limited to: brainwashing, torture, films involving Paris Hilton and/or the Olsen Twins...

iii. Peons/Slaves/Minions (i.e. the proletariat)
... there are always openings for minions, slaves, peons, sycophants, lackeys, boot-lickers, brown-nosers, toadies and various and sundry other ass-kissers. There are a few choice positions which become available regularly, as the Pie prefers a high turnover in these positions. These include: cabana boy, personal foot masseuse, Senior Toady, and personal Sammich Chef. These are the most coveted, inner-circle minion positions, but they're extremely difficult to come by. If you're interested in a minion position, please apply at the service entrance, and if you're lucky you may get a position as human carpeting.

That's it for now. I don't want to give everything away, you know.

.:4 comments | baked by pie at 3.25 PM | permalink:.