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Friday, March 06, 2009

Pie Household Personnel Policies

Overview
These personnel policies have been created to provide members of the Pie household an official written statement of the rules and regulations in effect within this household. Please read the following statements carefully. These regulations have been imposed to promote fairness [terms of fairness to be decided upon by CEO (Chief of Everything Officer, Pie) and CFO (Chief Financial Officer, Rob)] and efficiency within the household.

Work Schedule
Weekday work schedule begins at 6.30am sharp. Employees must wake and be cooperative at this time. Failure to be cooperative will result in shorter allotted time for morning meal, and loss of Sesame Street privileges.

The workday ends when management decides it's had enough of the employee for one day. The workday end encompasses one (1) bath, tooth-brushing, hair-brushing, a minimum of three (3) bedtime stories, kisses, cuddles and tucking-in. Any misbehavior during the end of day activities will result in less bath time and loss of bedtime stories. Kisses, cuddles and tucking-in will be downgraded to one (1) kiss and a tucking-in.

Weekend schedules are more flexible, but work start and end times are set by management. Employees are expected to be cooperative and available for work at a time of management's discretion.

Compensation and Benefits
Compensation is provided in the form of clothing, meals, snacks, toys, books, films, and generally all material items used by the employee. At such time as management feels the employee to be responsible enough, a weekly allowance may be provided in return for chores.

Benefits include Medical (kisses for all scratches, scrapes and bumps), Dental (regular tooth-brushing accompanied the tooth-brushing song) and Life (you won't ask, if you know what's good for you.)

Disciplinary Action
Offender will be allowed one warning before formal disciplinary action is taken by management. The offender may occasionally be permitted a second warning, depending on the type and severity of the infraction. If the offending employee does not respond positively to verbal warnings, further disciplinary action will be taken in the form of:
  1. taking away an item belonging to employee, particularly if said item was used in the commission of a crime (i.e., whacking dog with it)
  2. time-out downstairs on time-out seat
  3. time-out upstairs in bedroom on time-out seat
  4. loss of remainder of meal and/or loss of dessert privileges on rare occasions that dessert is offered
  5. in certain cases, "cruel and unusual" (but hilarious) punishments may be enforced at the discretion of management. These may include, but are not limited to:
    1. allowing dog to sit on/ride offender (with or without a saddle) if offense included attempting to sit on/ride the dog
    2. forcing offender to wear dress in public (make-up and hair ribbons added at management discretion)
    3. imitation/repetition of whining by management (the Echo Game).
Procedures for Filing Grievances or Appeals
There are no procedures in place at this time. The CEO's word is final. And don't whine - nobody likes a whiner.

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